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What To Reply If A Woman Asks You If You Love Her

What do you say when she says "I love you"? What do you say when she says "I love you"?

A dating question from a reader:

Today I am going to give Michael some advice on a little “love declaration” issue.

“I’m in this 4-week relationship, and not everything was going smooth. We were eating out, and during chit-chat, she then suddenly asked me: “well do you love me?” We never actually declared our love before, so I was a bit stunned. What is the appropriate response, if you are not totally head over heels yet?”
– Michael.

Well, this is a tough one. As I don’t know your past – how you met, how you behave together, if you have had sex etc. it’s hard to give a concise answer to your problem Michael. But I am going to give it a try.

What do you want?

With your response, you would want to do two things.

First, you would want to not look like a wussy. Example answer: “Yes, I love you so much; I can’t stop thinking about you”. I can almost guarantee you that she would run away screaming.

But you don’t want to come across as exceptionally cocky, and maybe even evil, either. Example answer: “No, why the hell on earth would you think that?” That would just be rude, and equally bad.

So, I guess we have gotten rid of both the answers yes and no. We need something more subtle.

You said that things weren’t going too smooth, and the “Well do you love me” also implies that she is having some doubt about the two of you. At least that’s how it sounds to me. Or maybe she just wants to know if the two of you have a future together.

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Two different answers

Again, without knowing you, it’s hard to give a precise “line” to what you should say. But I think that the following would be a pretty good example.

The good boy:
“I don’t really know. I think that our relationship is too new to say that I love you, but I do like hanging out with you, and would just like to see where things are heading”.
This is not a horrible answer. Not at all, but it hands a lot of power into her hands.

If she doesn’t like you, well, you’re probably going to get hurt. But on the other hand, she might reply with something like “I would like to see where things are headed too”, and then you’re good to go!

By the way she asked, this answer might be what she was looking for. It kind of sounds like she needed some validation that you were (or are) more than friends, and that you are ready to “take it to the next level”.

You could also do a “bad boy” approach.

Bad boy:
Say “no” in a very serious tone, with a very serious facial expression backing it up. Then lean over, and kiss her. This may chock her a little, and this is where you pull back, look deeply into her eyes, and say “I hate you”. Still with a very serious tone. She may laugh. She may blush. She may command a “real” answer. She might get mad. But then it’s up to you…

You really need some “cojones” to pull this off, but if you can, I’ll guarantee that things will be going a lot smoother. If done correctly, it will almost knock her off her chair. At least I know that no guy have ever done this to her before.

But maybe most important of all, you need to discover if you really do love her. Because if you don’t, well, problem solved.

Image by nattu

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22 thoughts on “What To Reply If A Woman Asks You If You Love Her”

  1. Jason

    Moral of the story- don’t answer the question. Women don’t want a yes, and they don’t want a no either. Whether they know it or not, they really want to put you on the spot and see how you will react. The bad boy reaction is pure genius.

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  3. Mwangi

    What I find very cool about the second answer is the novelty of the response AND the fact that there’s a sense of humour attached to it.

    Though I don’t recommend this, I have heard people say that any time a woman asks you a serious or an illogical or a catch 22 question, you can escape by either being cocky, using your sense of humour and doing something completely unexpected to break her flow. Depending on your situation you could easily do this if you feel like she is just doing it to test you as long as you’re respectful in intention it should work out fine.

    If her question was coming from a really genuine, vunerable place of insecurity or hurt then my first question to you would be, ” How did you get a girl to that place so quick?” I rarely see this happen.

    In this case, play it by the ear and both of Alex’s responses are spot on, the only recommendation I would add would be that your actions and the way you treat her should make her feel safe because it surprises me how many interpersonal problems that can be solved when we as human beings feel safe.
    Hope this makes sense and I hope it serves. Gr8 series Alex definitely one of those foundational pieces that people will come to for years to come.

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  4. Alex Kay

    Jason: I think that you’re right, but who’s to blame? Women needs to test men to see if they’re going to be, well, sex material, or if they’re just another wussy boy.

    Mat: Thanks! ;)

    Mwangi: Wow! I Had to read it twice to really get your point, but now I do, and I really see where you are coming from. One of the best ways to avoid a question is definately to answer with a question, or as you said, do something unexpected.

    And you’re also right about Michael being very quick to “get her to that place”, if that’s the case.

    And making her feel safe is very important too, if she’s uncomfortable around you, you really need to work on that.

    Thanks a lot for your comment and kind words, much appreciated man.

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  5. Michelle

    I love the second one. I wish I would have used it. (Or recieved it, that’s just so awesome!) :) It was too early in our relationship and he kinda trapped me. He said “The people at work love me and I think you do to.” To tell you the truth I kinda zoned out and wasn’t listening… (huge warning sign!) I said “yeah” but I didn’t realize what I was replying to until it was too late.

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  6. Alex

    You can say anything if in fact you aren’t a needy wuss. You could say the first response and she could not lose any attraction or respect for you depending on whether or not you are in fact a wuss.

    You can be loving and not lose attraction. The problem is with most guys they are being loving to a girl who doesn’t love herself and deep down hates who she is. This is why she disrepsects any guy who is decent human being to her and loves the “jerk” bc she wants to be treated badly-deep self loathing issues

    The question itself is just needy. Most times when people say “I love you” they mean “do you love me?” because they don’t love themselves already and need someone else to validate them.

    If you do love the girl, say so. If you dont, then say no. Women might not like honesty but they respect it

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  7. James

    The bad boy’s answer is rather good. I’m sure that the girl would get the joke. (and what’s more important, you’ll keep your feelings at secret) ;D

    p.s. I can’t say the same thing about good boy’s answer . By saying that, you would sound like a wuss…

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  8. Hamesh

    Hello Alex,
    I love reading your blog. One of the most useful ones. I am in a quandary. I met this girl online and its been 3 months since we know each other. We chat daily, say cute, nice things about each other. I am very sure she loves me. We have decided to meet for the new year flying across continents. I am sure she will bring up this question, “Do you love me? or Will you marry me” etc. I like her a lot, a lot more than anything else. But we haven’t met each other. I am going to meet her to know her, feel her and have some fun, sex and jolly good times. I need more time to decide becos i come from a conservative family who will not accept outside girls so fast! i got to cajole them to accept her also. If she asks, what should be the right answer, Alex. You ave to help me. I dont want to lose her, but wanna give her also more time to think about a long time relationship/commitment. WHat would you suggest, Alex?

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  9. Alex

    Hamesh,

    First of all thank you for your kind words!

    To your situation: It’s a little bit “out of my league” since it seems you have other traditions than me…

    But putting that aside, I think the rules for love are universal.

    Here’s one thing you can do:

    Don’t give her a direct answer. Let her pursue you a little. Make it into a little “game”. Have fun and be sexy!

    But seriously, if she’s ready to marry you after only chatting online, there are two options:

    Either
    A) You got your thang togetha’, or
    B) She’s a psycho.

    Good luck brother, and let me know what happens!
    Alex

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  10. ricky

    Hey Alex,
    Your posts are very good. I was looking for some advice and reached here. I have just met a girl and she is now pretty close to me. We chat a lot and i invited her to my apartment and after having dinner, she asked me to do it. Halfway throug moaning she popped up this question “Rick, do you love me?” I was a little startled and told her “I do, my darling!”. After we finished we bathed together and she again alluded to that question and my response saying, “I am going to ask this in front of our classmates!”
    I am terribly confused. I need your advice. She is a gem of a girl, she is having sex for the first time and wants a live-in relationship. Please tell me what to do. My parents WON’T accept a live-in. You got to tell me what should i tell her. Please help, Alex.

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  11. Alex

    Ricky,

    You’re in a pretty strange situation. But let me ask you, would you have anything against saying that you love her in front of your class?

    If you do have anything against that, I think that you should take it up with your girl.

    Tell her what you feel and think – be 100% honest. And if what you would say if you where to be honest doesn’t really make you proud… Maybe that’s the problem.

    Let me know what you think.

    And tell about your situation with your parents – tell her that it is just not possible at the moment (if that’s what you honestly think)

    Good luck :-)

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  12. Raj

    Dear Alex,
    I have a pretty similar situation to Hamesh. I am dating a girl online for almost 6 months now. I will be meeting her sooooooooooonnnnnn)))i cant wait to meet her. I am thinking what to answer in case she asks this question “Do you love me?”. I will probably say “ofcourse I do! But am not very sure how she will respond. I am going to tell her “Take it easy, let’s spend time together; go back and if we harbour the same nice feelings about each other, let’s take it forward”. But is it good etiquettes to say like this? will a woman get pissed off if i say this? I want THE MASTER’s help here, ALEX. Could you help me some suggestion?
    ThanX

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  13. Alex

    Hey Raj,

    No, that is not bad etiquette, at least not in my culture…

    Bad etiquette is being dishonest – not saying what you actually feel.

    Say that and you can’t go wrong. And even if you do love her, hold back a little. It can be a little overwhelming to do a super big confession the first time you meet.

    Might work for you, though!

    Let me know what happens :-)

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  14. Yassine

    When a woman decides “she loves you,” it’s important you reassure her, you let her know that what she feels is real and your both headed towards something serious. She’s looking for reassurance. She has feelings for you and doesn’t know what to do with them. She’s worried and disillusioned. If she is asking you, “do you love me,” it means that she is really scared of being hurt. Messing with her at this point would be the worst thing you could or should do.

    You need to reassure her. You need to let her know that your both on the same level, that she can let herself fall for you.

    In all likelyhood, she “isn’t totally in love with you,” but she feels as if she’s going in that direction and she is scared; scared of being hurt.

    If you want her to fall in love with you, if you want her to continue in how she is feeling, you need to reassure her.

    BUT you do not want to open yourself up to looking like a fool. You do not want to say “yes, I love you,” atleast not under those circumstances. When you tell a girl “I love you,” it has to be under romantic loving conditions, not in response to a systematic question. She’s looking for reassurance not “I love you, be mine.” Even if you really do love her, it’s not the place or time to say it.

    I’ve been in this situation recently and I’ve had problems trying to figure out what to say. It’s a difficult situation.

    I think the best way to approach it is ask why she is asking you, don’t answer right away. Then say something like, “I think about you all the time, I see myself with you, I miss you etc…”

    Describe how you feel without saying “I love you.”

    Then, when the time is right. In a week, a few days, when your in a romantic situation with her and you feel like she is ready to hear it, say “Baby, I do love you.” You’ll melt her heart and she won’t feel like she badgered it out of you. It will feel genuine and she will most likely respond in kind.

    The real question is not what do you say to “Do you love me,” it’s when do you reciprocate her expression of insecurity and love. When do you say “I love you.” That’s the hard part.

    Hopefully this helps. Please do not use this information to mess with a girl. Karma will return in kind if you do.

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  15. lamar jr

    i had this young lady in my life, and i dont know what to do. i think she is the one for me and the way i think of her is extremely wild. how can i approach her and tell her i truly love her with all the passion and love in the world.

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  17. Kevin

    Dear Alex,

    A girl asked me if I loved her. I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not, so I said no. Afterward she asked if she could borrow something and now she talks to me every time I see her. I’m really confused now. Should I take this girl seriously and try to start something with her or am I just wasting my time?

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  18. Mary

    Me and my ex who was long distance hadn’t seen each other for about three weeks. We never spoke on phone just trexting .the lack of communication made me think he didn’t like me. I texted 2 say we needed to talk . So we met up.hung out.then he said didn’t you want to talk? I said yeah ,not sure what to say. He asked those words-well do you love me? I was caught off guard and just looked and shook my head, he said in response, well we don’t love each other so what will we do,will we end it.I didn’t reallym wanna and miss him lik crazy . What do u think he was feeling?

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  21. stev westler

    4 years down the track I was hit with the do you love me one. DO NOT TRY THIS ANSWER” Well if you tell me what love is then I’ll tell you if i love you!!!: Sure way of saying no and doesnt go over even half as well.What I should have said is “in my way, I do!”. Then we could have discussed the differences between my way and her expectations rather than having to get abox of tissues and kick myself for stuffing up…

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