Why You Can’t Be Friends with Your Ex after the Break Up – And the No Contact Rule
"It's not you, it's me. Let's be friends" - Sounds familiar?Note from Alex: This is a guest post from Jamie. If you’ve been a follower of the How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend comments (450+ and counting!), you know who he is.
I think that this is an excellent article laying out a lot of important principles for doing just that – getting over your ex. I’ll now give the word to Jamie. Warning: Contains foul language. Yeah!
Thanks Alex!
I believe this is an excellent blast to all the guys out there who are thinking they’d like to stay “friends” with the girl who dumped them.
The flow of the piece is this:
- You can’t be friends.
- You MUST neutralize the girl’s power over you.
- The most effective way to neutralize the power is a clinical approach that is based in large part on the “No Contact Rule”.
- What are some of the practical tactics that are involved.
- You’ll be better off for having taken these steps.
You could write a PhD dissertation about the no contact rule and getting over a girl. This, however, is designed to be a quick read that hopefully will give men (read: you!) a fast-acting shot of empathy and momentary strength from realizing that what they are experiencing is something experienced by mankind as a collective and therefore not insurmountable. Phew. Lets get on with it!
Post-break-up friendship with your ex: DON’T
In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, and especially when you’ve been the one to be dumped, it is im-f*cking-possible to remain friends with the woman who grenaded your heart – even if you have months and months (or years and years) invested in her.
While powerful, the desire to remain friends is knee-jerk reaction to your own fear of being alone, and to internal weakness and insecurity – which may be temporary – but that you still need to address.
HOWEVER, it is VITALLY important that you always maintain cordial relationships (if not friendships) with as many women as possible! B/c while the bar/club scene is nice, other women can be a rich feeder source for possible date material – and I mean dates w/ girls who you would actually bring home to mom, and not just bang…
Neutralize her power over you
Another thing to consider: the goal after being dumped is not so much to “forget” the ex as it is to neutralize her power over you.
The irony is that whatever power she has is only there because you give it to her by virtue of having made a mental leap in reconceptualizing your life as now only being able to exist if your ex is part of it.
Any human being should ALWAYS be engaged in a continual process of self-development and cultivation, so that you can be your best.
When you limit your insecurities by excelling at school or sport or in your career, you 1) become less needy and 2) become a much better partner for a woman who might actually deserve you.
The NO contact rule
Nonetheless, when you’re in the shit – like many of us are – and trying to get over an ex, you must be clinical and disciplined in your approach and have no contact whatsoever for some minimum period.
If you just texted her or checked her FaceBook or drunk dialed – that’s fine. It’s normal. It’s what we do. But right now, from this second, commit to not seeking her out in person or virtually for at least 24 hours.
And after those 24 hours pass, commit to another day; and another; and another.
If you’re mentally obsessing over her, every time you start focusing on her FORCE yourself to shift to something else.
Have discipline
Watching TV is not a very good distraction – reading a book is better. But hitting the gym or going for a run or skydiving is a lot more effective – because you shut down the part of your subconscious that obsesses over her – if only for 30min or an hour – and you get some peace.
A relapse is never far away, even after weeks or months – which is why you have to be clinical and disciplined. Delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace. Delete her from your mobile. If you have her contact details stored in your address book – delete them from there, too.
Yes, we KNOW that you feel like you’re dead without her and that you are physically hurting even – it is what it is.
But you have two choices – either be consumed by the hurt and pain and rendered totally impotent, or commit to putting into practice some of the advice given here with the expectation that if you can do the work, one day you’ll find tranquillity and return to equilibrium.
You’ll get through – and get better
And then the next time you become emotionally intimate with a woman, hopefully you have a more sophisticated perspective and will be better aware of what’s happening in the relationship on a daily basis.
Last thing – even though I said delete her from your FaceBook and MySpace and phone, etc., that (for me) is only so you can’t be an idiot and actually call or text her when you crack and your resolve momentarily weakens.
Don’t completely destroy the memory of her
If you were in a relationship for any significant amount of time, that person is always going to have been part of your life, and you can’t obliterate the memory of her as if you were firebombing Germany. It just doesn’t work.
You want to end up with just a black hole in your psyche for the time you were with her? Take all the “stuff” she gave you or that reminds you of her and put it in a box or boxes or whatever and get it out of your physical space.
I don’t think you need to throw it away (but then I’m a little sentimental), and you can save her contact information on a CD that you throw in the box as well; when you’re old a worn-out it’s actually nice to have mementos from the past as they become tangible reminders or triggers of memory from years gone by.
But when you’re knee-deep in hurt and pain and misery, lock that shit away as if it was radioactive. Because in a sense it is – you need to be a technician and shut down your irrationality and reptilian-response to wanting to get back with a chick who dumped you, devalued you, broke your heart, cast you aside…
And someday you’ll have gone through enough misery and suffering that her power over you will be neutralized and you’ll have a better understanding of not just your limits, but your strengths as a person. And your next relationship will be all the better for it.
Back to Alex:
Hope you enjoyed it guys! As always, comments are highly appreciated. What do you think? Girls are also more than welcome to join in :-)
Lots of great images this time. Second one by jasoneppink. Third one by Thomas Hawk. Last one by .ash. All beautiful, thanks!
Also, I highly encourage you to check out my book called “The Ex-Girlfriend Solution”. It includes everything you have ever wanted to know about getting over your ex and moving on with your life. It takes you right from the break-up to your new relationship, and it answers all the questions I get all the time, like “what to do if she wants to be friends”, “how to avoid being distracted by thoughts about her”, “how to fall asleep when I miss her” etc…
On top of that, there’s a big chapter on the no contact rule. Read more about it here!
I was with a girl for 2.5 years. She broke up few times before. First time she came back in few days (after i stopped the contact), second time i let her be for few months (because immediately after a break up it never works to get your girlfriend back, whatever you try) and i got her back but she was still not ok so she broke up with me again after 2 months. I was devastated AGAIN! But i couldn’t let it be, I just had to get her back. But i knew that the only thing what would work is that she had to come back to me this time. So i didn’t had contact (and i mean really totally NOTHING) till after 3,5 months that i send her just an email with “hi i was wondering how you are, i hope everything is fine” she broke down and totally started to cry how much she was missing me and how much she wanted to fight for me etc etc. So i had my girl where i wanted her. But she had another boyfriend within these 3 months, something i didn’t understand and was hard to swallow (even i dated also other girls, they were never ever close to girlfriend material).
Now the point is, she broke up with me again!!! Because of again some stupid reason that she didn’t know this or didn’t know that or negative feelings or whatever.
Now i can have peace with it. Because this is never going to make me happy, she will never make me happy. Even i still really love her and think of her.
I just want to say that many guys rather read posts about getting someone back then read posts about getting over them. But trust me. I spend half year with fixing things, and its spilled energy. Try to get over your ex for once and for all is the best thing. It’s never easy but it’s much harder to be dumped 4 times then one big time.
Really? Why is this always the attitude? is it because most people are to small minded and to greedy to even consider that they can change? Wow this is all I ever see and I will tell it straight. society is wrong. fucking dead wrong. Each situation between humans is unique. Just like each relationship and friendship. Take it like that or you are going to live a life or others decisions and not your own. Get out and see that you make up your mind not us.
I find it helps to totally bash them and call them out on there bullshit…i told my ex that im not like all the other guys shes thrown away…i refuse to step in her line of broken hearts ….and then i told her i never wanna talk to her again and called her the c word…i burned the bridge on person…im at peace with it now…u dont have to be Mr. Nice guy in the end.it makes me feel better throwing shit in their face…but thats just me…differant strokes for differant folks…beats looking whiny and weak with the ” i miss u ” crap..i dunno..just being an ahole in the end works better for me.
Love this thread! Thanks for sharing your stories. Some really hit the nail on the head.
I fell in love. I think he fell in love. But, complicating situations made love a scary thing. Every time we got close, he pushed away. In the end, something minor triggered a major meltdown. We’re now not speaking.
You have to establish boundaries in relationships. So, for me it’s extremely painful to have no contact, but that being said, in the long run, being treated with no respect and no two way communication is even more painful. So, establish your boundaries, and hold firm. If they come back, you both win, if they don’t then you know it never would have made it in the long run.
That’s the position I’m in now: holding firm, not loving it, sometimes dreading it, but deep down, knowing I/we need it.
So here we go I have been dating a girl since last Feb., we were living in the same city at the time then I moved back to my home town which was an 1.5h boat ride away every thing was good so I thought I new the long dissent was hard on her. When I was there visiting her she loved it but when I went back home she would miss less and she hated that. She wanted to know there was a future with us she wanted to have kids and be married buy the time she 30 so that about just under 3y, I never told her I wanted the same but said stuff like when I’m done school, I was scared from being hurt before.
So let fast forward to the bark up she just went back to school in January she started her student teach, I did not full understand how hard this was for her, she started to be moody on the phone to me and was dissent toward me. Then the phone call cam she said she need time for school, and need to put her school before us, She also did not like the fact the job I was choosing to do would take me away from home for week at a time. She wanted partner that would be there. She said at the end of the 3 moths if I was still single we would get back to together I said no we wont it never works out like that. Of cores I did not like this I blow up over the phone and said on one had you want to be with but on the other hand you understand if I go out and date. So we talked and fought over the phone over the next cupule of days. The Friday came we had a chat and she said how could we be taking about the future when we have not told each other we were in love with each other. So at this point we are broken up we both told each other we were in love with one and another. I also did a lot of looking into my job so I could stay in town and told it would work out. Then we end it we would talk on Monday and take a brake over the weekend but if we need to chat to call. So when I was out sat night I drunk texted saying I love her. Sunday cam around I called like 3 time and finely she picked up the phone I said to her I have good news; I can stay in town and be home all the time.
Well she lost it on me she said I could not even respect her to give her 3 day and that a switch has been flipped in her head and there’s no going back. I told her you said if we need to chat to call she said you are grasping at stairs now, at this point in her schooling she was just at the start of being a student teacher, so there was a lot of stress. She told me she could not even get the lesson plan done and had me how important this was. I told her I will give her a week she was happy over that let me tell you it was a long conversation her crying, her tell me I did not respect her I could not even give her 3 days for her. The there was me trying to talk my why thorough it, I got the full reason why she wanted to brake up, she wanted not such a cave man, some one who was there more, some one she can take out to different places with out wording what I would say, who could blend in to different groups. Some one who was more in tune to her needs. To tell the truth I was not happy with my self in the past 6months always so negative. So then on Thursday she sent me an email saying she could not do this. So I called her we had a long chat and I told her how was not happy the way I was going about life and stated to make changes. I went to school and changed my choice to a different filed so I can be around more, the funny thing is which I was never able to tell her is I wanted kids and to be around home, but being so broke over the last 6months all I stated to care about was money. I told her the real me wanted more from me and I really did not care about money so much. She said she did not want to get back together with out seeing the changes in me and tell school was over and we need to be become best friends. Which I agreed on, we would stay taking and hang out so she can see the changes in me and how I wanted her to be more open if she would of talked to me about this, the brake would never happen.
So I started reading books and changing the way I was not for her but for me. I’m happier with the new not so judgmental etc. We hung out on Valentine’s Day it was wicked we were holding hands and kissing, she could not stop smiling and we having a good time, she like you have almost flipped the switch back and yes there a good chance for us to get back together when she dropped me off on the boat she texted me and said thank you for a wonderful day. Over the last month she has been supper buys with school so we have been just talking one or twice a week over the phone I have not brought up us at all. There has been no time for me to go over there. I asked the other night if she still miss me she like ya asked her what that meant, she said I still have feeling for you but I don’t really think of picking up the phone to call you or I don’t rally think of you that much, all my time and thoughts are about school. I asked her could it be since it’s been a month since we have Sean each other? She said I don’t know I’m hoping so. She said she happy with school and her new friends and how her life is going. Then I asked her is there some else she said no, but she see guys around and thinks I wonder what would they be like in a relationship, she said that cant be a good thing. She said she does not have any feeling for anyone else and if she did she will let me know. She has been upfront and truthful to me. I asked does she think about the new me what it would be like to be with me she said yes. I asked her if her feelings are the same she said no but she hoping when we hang out next that it all comes back. I told her the time apart would not be good for us she said I know.
We were going to hang out this week end, but she could not get out of family things, I asked if I just come over and spend the night she said she feel uncomfortable about me spending the night and does not know why. So we left at she will call me in a couple of days to let me know about this week end because she is trying to get her mom and dads times share so her and her school friend’s can go up there and just drink and hang out blow off steam no bf or gf are allowed. If she does get the time-share we will see each other after she gets back. We talked about how if the felling are there that we should react on them to make sure they do not go away this time, we talked about if we do have the feeling how we would move in together when her lessee was up on her apartment. So there are talks of the future with us, but it all deepens on how we feel around each other when we see each other.
So we left it at let hang out next week end see how we fell around each other she if the feeling come back, if they do we will have to start chatting more and taking more steps etc., she said she does not want to get back together until her and mine school is done depending how it goes when we hang out. I should say I’m moving back to the same city for school at the end of this month which will help if thing go good. Before that conversation end she got a bit up set how we were talking about us so much, I was able to smooth it over; she understood we needed to have this chat.
Then about ten minutest after getting of the phone I called her to make her laugh and lighting the mood and said you gonna like the new me, your gonna want me, be smiting over me she laugh and was happy and said that I’m going to want her. I said before I scored 8 out of 10 what you wanted in a man now I’m a ten out of ten. I’m confident and still an alp male witch you want she like ya, and have dropped weight and I’m supper sexy how could you not want me she laughed and was in a good mood.
Then I texted her later that night which was last night the same thing and said I bet you smiling, she said yes I said that a good thing she was like yes it is.
I’m not so worried about us hang out and there being no feeling, I know it will come back. I know I have to keep it fun and light and show her the new me do something fun and special.
My quest is do you think it’s to late for us? That her feeling might not come back?
Do I bring up if the date is going well like hugging and kiss reading her body langue, do I ask her at the end of the where do we take it from here? Like saying lets get back together and take things slow tell we are done school? Any advice would be so help full its been along road for me to get to this point. I just don’t want to have another wicked date and then time goes bye and her start to forget about me again. This has gone on long enough. Thanks
Hey, author! Seriously, me and my girlfriend just broke up about a week ago, and i am hurting like fuck on the inside. I’m just really grateful to have come along your article. And yes, after i speak and have closure with her for the last time this friday, i will apply the no contact rule and keep myself busy. Thank you so much for the inspiration.
Me and my girlfriend was going strong. It was 2 years and 7 months and I was about to propose to her and everything I was falling in love with her until she called me saying “I think we need to see someone else.” but I knew something was up she told me ” Oh, I was talking to this guy fro about two months and I rushed i with him it wasn’t planned or anything, but you were making me extremely unhappy, i hope we can be friends?” and that really hurt me I mean I love this girl and I was thinking of marrying her..but I guess after persuading her that I love her she just said “I can’t do it with you anymore Shaun it’s time for you to move on we can’t be together no more. I didn’t know there would be more guys like you Shaun a nice guy..so go find a great girl and treat her better. please If you love me you would do this.” My heart sunk so deep..and i feel depressed.
we went out together for 5 years , and we broke up 5 months ago , she’s studying abroad , and she’s going out with a rich
guy that’s spoiling her ..
a month before we used to contact , but not anymore .. she used to call me and tell me she’s feeling shit and need my help , and she used to make me respond to her saying please for the respect of the 5 years we had together . she used to tell me how annoying her bf was and she wants to break up with him and she waiting for the right time to do it .. i always acted cool about it. well i tried twice to get her back after hearing her saying shit about her new bf , about her new bf , but a a week later she came to me and said i really like him alot , and he’s good and i spoke to him and he’s changing himself and she also threw the blame on me that i was affecting her .. anyways
on winter break she came over the country again for a vacation and we hanged out several times , nothing physical happened not even a kiss , but everytime she’d tell me you know how i feel about you (i love you ) and its so hard for me like this and she used to cry and call me right after i leave her and whatever so..
she went back and of course i had her deleted from facebook and everything .. 2 months later, she messaged me fb telling me that she’s in turkey with her family ( where we had a vacation together ) and sent me a pic of the hotel we were staying in ..) it touched me deep inside ..
a week after i know from a friend of mine that she’s in the country , so stupid me thought that things have calmed down and she’s planning to surprise me at work like she used to do .. i waited for several days acting like i didnt know she was there .. but nothing happened so i messaged her and told her .. for the respect of the 5 years that you always mention and talk about when you needed me , at least you’d call and tell me i’m here and whatever..
so we talked through emails .. her point was that she realized that she likes her bf alot and he asked her not to see me .. and she is being faithful to him and its better for like that.. and she was insisting on me to understand her .. i went crazy .. because i couldnt understand her logic .. i made a mistake told her i regret her the fucking years i wasted with her , said some bad words . and all she was saying iam so sorry for hurting you .. you deserve the best, and for the time being lets cut the contact .. i kept messaging her , i was really really angry and out of mind ..
a week after my mind settled down i messaged her ( i accept the current situation and i wanted you to give another chance but i understand that you moved on and there’s no chance of that happening, sorry for all the bad words and the way i handled the situation and good luck with you bf ) .. she responded thnking me and telling how better my msg made her feel.
since then i zero zero contact her.. i took a promise , she blocked me on facebook righ after she called me 2 weeks ago saying happy bday , i was acting cool .. and i cut of the conversation fast .. she wanted to talk more told her i had to go thnks for calling ..wasnt expecting it
so now she blocked me of facebook too..
well i still love her , with all this shit , i tried everything .. been hitting the gym for 3 months after we broke up , grades in uni got much better , focusing on my job too ..
but man iam craving for her.. never thought id ever lose her ..
she’s coming in 2 months back for summer vacation she told me i wanna see you on summer ..
i have no idea what to do .. as much as i want her as much as fuck this man .. i dnt know the word either …
that sucks .. iam waking up now thinking abt her everyday..
Thanks for this article and posts. I needed it as I was blind sided and dumped after 2 months. THE NO CONTACT POLICY IS THE ONLY WAY!!! Save yourself a lot of head and heartache. I blocked her on. My cell phone (dId not know you could block numbers thru cell phone providers) and Facebook. I am not looking back…hurts but empowering!! Move on!
I lived with my ex-girlfriend for three-and-a-half years before our mutual breakup last August. A month after we broke up, she started dating someone else. She actually kissed him for the first time while I was still living with her, which was unbelievably painful and confronting and nightmarish. I was devastated by how little our breakup had affected her when I was utterly destroyed — I couldn’t even think of dating at the time. Anyway, a week or so before I was due to move interstate, she broke up with the douchebag and we had sex. Probably a bad move, but I felt like I reclaimed some of my pride. We kept in touch over the phone and on Facebook after I moved, but I found that I only ever felt good when I talked to her and suicidally depressed the rest of the time. Last night I finally worked up the strength to delete her mobile number, delete her on Facebook and block her e-mail address. She’s really pissed at me, but I don’t think that’s fair considering she has a new boyfriend and every time I talk to her it feels like taking 10 steps backwards.
Reading these posts have really helped me. My bf and I were together for a little over a year. I thought I had met mr. right. Funny how I never felt that with my other relationships but I knew this was the one or so I thought. We had an amazing relationship for over a year. Never argued or had a fight. We would occassionally get irritated or frustrated at each other but never to the point of having an argument. I thought this was amazing as I have fought with all my ex’s. He walks in the week after christmas and says it’s over and gave me the “i need space” speach to figure out what he wants and the “we can still be friends”. We had sex the night before and I thought everything was fine. I was ok with this until I found out 2 weeks later he was dating someone else. I was completely devastated. Here it is now April and I’m just able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. This has been the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. I could have dealt with death better than this. There is no other pain worse than personal rejection and knowing that the person that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with is fucking someone else. I was replaced just like that. I was thrown away like a fucking piece of trash. I can’t think of anything that hurts worse.
We have talked at least every other week or once a week since the break up but it’s always b/c I have to initiate the call. He always calls me back and then I’m the one that ends up having to get him off the phone. I finally feel like I’m strong enough now to initiate no contact. I’m not going to tell him. I’m just going to disapear and not call. He’s a sagittarius so always on the move. I don’t think he’ll stay with this one before he’ll be moved on to someone else. I’ve certainly learned a very painful lesson. I hate that he’s done this to me and that I allowed someone to have so much control over me b/c I was extremely independant single and happy when I met him. That’s what pisses me off. Any advice to get back to this would be appreciated. thanks!
I dont know if anyone is still responding to this article, but it was really well written and I need a little guy perspective on my situation if someone out there has any…
My man and I have been together now for 6 months. Before we were together he was of and on with his “best friend” for about 2 years. Apparently they fought all the time, she lied to him (which inevitably was the cause of the break up), they would try to one up each other, etc. She’s good friends with a bunch of other people in his group so she’s still around. Well the first party him and I went to together, she acted as if I wasn’t even there, didn’t look at me, never said a word, even if I was right next to her. Even 6 months later this behaviour hasn’t changed, she acts like I don’t exist. Yet because they were best friends forever, my Bf still wants to be friends with her, they text frequently. They actually still fight via text! I’ve made it perfectly clear that if she had a different attitude towards me then maybe they could be friends. I know they still tall and I’ve never asked that he doesn’t. But should I? I know she still has feelings for him.. Shouldn’t that mean they should cut off all contact? How can I put it to him in a way that he’ll understand? Thanks for any help!
The GF
Hi it makes sense and good reading good thread…with my problem im still in love with my ex and she took all her stuff and left me 5 weeks ago saying she didnt want to be married anymore and fell out of love with me,it hurts like mad and she moved in with her mum NO ONE ELSE WAS ENVOLVED, we keep in contact or rather i keep in contact because we have to sell the house but the main problem is we work at the same place of work and its doing my head in big time, neither of us is going to leave our job shes seems happy to be friends its my feelings getting in the way i dont see her much at work but its the feeling of knowing shes round the corner any advise welcolm regards Richard…
forgot to mention married 7yrs together 10yrs regards Richard
people dont read long posts.. me and my gf of multiple years broke up about a month ago. It FUCKING SUCKS… dont buy into any of this shit that do this and do that will work.. it is just not true. On the inside… I have a constant.. seemingly endless battle of what is right and what is wrong in this type of situation.
Head my words.. I am not a white trash idiot who does not understand the concepts of emotional distress. I am a college student at a prestigious university who repeatedly makes the deans list… I am a mere 12 months away from a dual major in Physics and Biology, with a dual minor in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology…as intensive and vigorous these fields are.. I am clueless about my situation with my Ex girlfriend.. I think about things.. I blame myself for the break up.. i think about the last time i was in her arms.. and could truly feel her emotions, feel the deep care and love flowing through her soul into mine.. and i cant help but think.. Why? I know this person deeply cares about me.. she is my best friend…. was my best friend .. How could this have ended? I am at a total loss… I know she cares about me and still does..
there are some extenuating circumstances, but that should not get in the way of true love, pure feelings, and absolute understanding. Circumstances such as.. I know her stupid cunt friends pump bullshit into her head about “oh he treats you like shit you deserve better”, or “look at you girl your sexy and need to go out and “have fun” or other shit that stupid, manipulative, sadistic people say to there so called friends(your ex) to make there own lives seem more bearable. Or shit that her manipulative bitch of a mother still pounds into her head. These are a couple of examples.. For girls in this situation the same thing can be said about an ex bfs guy friends. im sure in your situation what ever it may be.. you will see different circumstances that you believe effects your situation.
So the ultimate question.. is a question that seems to be of the same difficulty to understand as existence it self. Where do you draw the line.. there are always doubts.. such as; i am young how do i know this is the girl for me, i am old and divorced, is it worth going through everything again just to take the chance of getting hurt again.. I dont like this or that aspect of her or his life, etc.
So i know i am beating around the bush.. My split personality offers 2 suggestions.
1. You have drawn the line, outside influences you have realized do not matter. You realize your feelings for this person are deeper than that of infatuation or other forms of child play. You realize that you love this individual and you know that on the inside they love you too. you know this person loves you and you know you love them. Do what ever it takes to make that person realize that you are right for each other. If this is your choice, you must not take the phrase “do what ever it takes” lightly. Doing this will involve risking reputation, demoralizing self esteem, swallowing balloon size pride of “yeah im a bad ass and can handle this”.. in this case laying all your emotions on the line is pivotal to success. If you truly feel the need to fight for what is yours.. for what is essentially right.. you must risk damaging damaging such things.. because honestly, what do you have to loose? This is the person that makes you happier then anything in the world who gives a fuck what outside influences are being employed. It is about you and standing up for what you believe in..
I know this is counter-productive to the overall meaning of the posts, but it holds true.. it holds true if you know the person still cares about you like you do about them. If you go out and are able to have fun with other girls or guys then this is not what your going through..
If you are in the situation where you know that the other person no longer cares about you.. and you still care about them alot.. say you were cheated on or the person had simply moved on.. In this case I will try and best describe the reality of the situation at hand. The emotions you feel.. the sadness, the bitterness, the morose despite of your situation.. the loneliness… the hate.. it all depends on how you look at it. Blaming yourself in a situation like this will yield zero positive results. This person is over you and ready to move on regardless of if you are or not. What you need to realize here is the feelings you are associating with this particular individual is purely chemical. Your brain is hardwired to perceive emotions. These emotions your brain perceives are nothing more then chemical bonds. Your brain “the limbic system” ( the emotional hub of the brain ) is directly correlated with the dopamine (dopamine receptors are also stimulated by drugs such as cocaine) reward system. Once this person is gone, like a drug, your brain seeks the emotions this individual made you express. Hence the sadness that ensues upon a break up. Your brain is looking for this emotion that this individual portrays and your brain can not find it. And since that emotion can not be satisfied, simply put, you will not be satisfied either. What you need to realize is that literally it is not the person that your missing.. it is the chemical addiction. Heroin addicts go through the same type of emotions when they are forced to quit (obviously with extremely sever physical side effects) but still a fantastic comparison to the emotions you are feeling. You need to realize that as much as you think that it is the person that your are missing that is simply not the case. BELIEVE this it is simply an addiction to a chemical reaction that your brain translates to your consciousness. If you believe in science of any kind hold this concept and stay true to it and you will soon realize the reality of the situation..
I know i said people dont read long posts.. well.. fuck off.
I met a girl not too long ago in my nursing class (recently graduated thank God). She had been dating this guy for 4 years and he proposed to her last July. I had always been attracted and had a crush on her, but never followed through with it and upon finding out she was engaged I was rather sad, but I let it go. I ended up meeting a chick and that didn’t work out, but when her and I broke up I found out this engaged chick was into me. Basically she drunkenly pronounced her attraction to me and I knowingly turned her down. Apparently we ended up kissing that night to neither of our remembrance. We didn’t talk for 2 months because it was Christmas break, but upon return she told me she couldn’t handle it anymore and that she was really attracted to me and I told her I couldn’t knowingly ruin an engagement… I mean some assholes out there can, but not this guy (so I thought). Well time flew by we started hanging out more and more and nights became stay the nights (yes i know I did what I didn’t want to, but this girl man she is perfect not just body, but personality). Well the guy had no idea because he lives in another town and he eventually found out because she stopped hooking up with him and she told him what was up. Two weeks later they ended their engagement and we started dating… everything was perfect. This girl is the real deal like literally haven’t dated a more beautiful person inside and out. She is so sincere and happy and her smile is contagious. Well after 3 months she comes back from her friends bachlorette party and I guess that the memories of the life she had planned came back and overwhelmed her and she decided that she wasn’t completely over her ex fiance’. So now she said she needs time to figure out what she wants… in every instance prior to this point I could see these tips working, but right now being graduates of college; madly in love (which she is… she just still cares about this other guy) already talking about the future… i just don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t see her getting back with him, but that’s just false hope… I am so friggin torn on what to do because if I stop talking to her she will decide that I don’t want to be with her, but its not that… any suggestions?
Last year around this time, I met a lady that looked like a dream coming true. She was 40 and I was 22. 18 years of an age gap. I had always wanted to be with a woman that age. She was not only beautiful but also sexy funny and great to be around.
She was working with me and one day she called me at work and told me her husband asked her for a divorce. Before then we had not done anything but talking on occasional smoke breaks. The day her ex asked her for a divorce she told me she wanted to meet with me and talk since she liked talking to me since im not judgmental. (We live in a small town and everybody happens to be judgmental, and Im from a different country so she felt comfortable talking to me.)
I made sure I was not being put in the position of a rebound guy. I was not. We ended up having a relationship of about 10 months. Everything was great during the first 3 months but then we ended up fighting almost on a daily basis. We had so much fun together. The sex was beyond comprehension and the chemistry we had for each other was almost scary sometimes. But things started to become more real. Money was an issue. We come from extremely different cultures. The age gap was a factor sometimes because honestly now that I look at it. We saw the world differently. She has been living D-town since the first day of her life, but I have lived in three different countries. So disappointment was bound to happen.
I saw that I was not happy anymore. Before meeting her I was a very happy person. I mean I used to wake up dancing. But she somehow made me unhappy although I loved her so dearly and she loved me too. I know it. She still does. And I also almost love her still.
I tried to break up with her few times. When she lived with me. I broke up with her but ended up getting back together on the same night. Love was too intense and the relationship at this point was a severe case of addiction. She got an apartment and I moved in with her and things were up and down. We enjoyed doing everything together. Traveling, roadtrips, drinking, going out, watching movies, reading, cooking eating. everything we did together. And the sensuality was great. Things kept going up and down but with much more intensity. I tried to pack my stuff and leave about 3 times but I always ended up coming back when she would beg me and ask me to come back. I sometimes had to beg her for forgiveness too because I loved her. So the power was going back and forth and there was some sort of balance. When she was in power I would be submissive to make sure things get fixed. And when I had the power she would be the submissive one. By and by, she took me for granted and I think I did too.
Things got so bad around my last birthday in March and I decided at 6 in the morning to pack and leave. I packed my stuff and she did not believe that that time was for real and I really was unhappy. Suddenly she could believe me and I kept packing (and boy was there a lot a shit to pack). During that time, we were both crying. We both knew somebody had to do it. I did it. I chose to be in the position of the asshole but she knew there was no other way to save what is left of US without this happening. I drove to my other house that day and I was devastated. I joined my friends partying and meeting new people and that helped a lot. I met girls and I was always lucky to bring a chick home but it was just nothing i wanted. The girls were of different ages, skin tone and different personalities but I was not blown away. I missed her sexy form and everything about her. Her voice and nails and everything.
We then went back and forth. Sometimes we would be nice to each other sometimes we would be total assholes. Nasty texts had to fly between us. WE met about 3 times and had sex and it always went back to the same fighting.
She met this guy who was going through the same situation and they kinda bonded. They kissed she told me once and I was going crazy. I told her I know I have no reason to be jealous but there was no reason for her to tell me all that shit either. I just did not want to hear about it although I knew there was something and I had to beat the dead horse over and over again until I come to accept the fact that she is not mine no more. I did not tell her about any of the girls that I had met except once when i was drunk and i gave her a name.
The guy she met ended up being her roommate and they lived together for a while until 3 days ago, he decided to move out because he had a dog. I was smelling fish. I mean I am not dumb as to what could have happened between the two. However, I was telling myself, preaching to myself, brainwashing myself into accepting the fact that her sexuality is her choice and sex, after all, is over rated. I, by and by, started to accept the fact. Two nights ago, she called me and told me she missed me and so we ended up going grilling the next day. We had a good time. She ended up sleeping at my place that night. We had sex the next morning and I could tell that the spell of her body is gone. I do not crave her the way i used to. Now I guess we are in the position of acceptance. We go through denial and anger at some points but then we learn to accept that we are friends with benefits and we enjoy being in each others presence.
Back to my break up, I had to block her number in order to get over her for a while. The NC rule works. Out of phone is out of the world. Believe me.
I am happy I finally had the courage to break up with her. She was a very important person in my life. She still is but I have to accept who she is now as an individual and I am glad I am getting to that point of understanding.
Thank you guys for speaking up. I have been reading the comments for the last two days. Awesome input
lots of helpful information and encouragement.now this is happening to me
a few days ago my girlfriend decided to break the relationship after one month apart. she asked me for space and i gave it to her with barely no contact. she told me she had been thinking about us and that we get along better being friends,due to we jumped on the relationship to fast without getting to know each other better. i told her that this was a bad idea because i was still in love with her and i couldn’t pretend to be her friend. i told her it was better not to see each other or talk for now. and that these didn’t meant that in the future we couldn’t be friends.i was thinking of focusing on myself for a month or 2 to get over her and then be friends. sometimes i think she wants to be friends for her own benefits i used to go to the gym with her and train her (she doesn’t want to go by herself) she also didn’t drive i used to pick her up from her job at 2am . she took me for granted BTW she didn’t respond to my decision what do i do
Orion,
Break ups are never easy. Best thing to do right now is to enjoy urself and focus on what makes you happy. Apparently your ex does not want the relationship. It’s okay. Plenty of fish in the sea. Two months sound good. Let go. Two months is how long it took me to get over the girl i broke up with but now we are friends. Again, if you don’t see yourself being only friends with her, then screw it. Move on. It sounds very harsh, but go with no contact and you shall be fine in no time. You wake up one day alone in your bed and youre like fuckin ayyy….i get the bed for myself. Enjoy being single man. It’s never bad!
good.
you know i was so fucked up until i came upon jktc after 15 yrs together my partner asked me to leave the house on new yrs eve ,i was getting ready to go out with her and my two kids to go to a family club ,i thought we would be together for life ,she knew i had no family or close friends in this country [uk] and that i would be on my own ,it was the worse time of my life ,i left the house after telling her i would not spoil her new yrs eve as she had spoiled mine ,i did not even get a happy new yr from her or my kids ,my kids are my 14 yr old girl and my 6 yr old boy ,she has treated me like a piece of dirt for the last three to four years ,it has been like walking on eggshells ,she would bite at me for the least thing , i have done every thing for her , and thats the thanks i get, i could understand her telling me to go if i was the sort of guy that ,hit her ,hit my kids , got drunk , done drugs , or any other shit that you hear about ,and then after a few weeks ,she is hanging out with a guy i thought was my friend ,the thing is i cant get her out of my head , she was abusive to me for years and yet i still think about her and what she is getting up to with this other guy [friend ,and i use the term lightly ]i have all the usual shit going through my head ,like what are they doing in bed , and what she sees in him ,he looks like shrek ,and all this is doing my head in ,need advice guys , should i just let this go or what ,,,she has been really cruel to me in the past few months ,things i will reveal if i get a reply to this , alex can you help ,liam
Really liked the thread here guys,
Kinda going through much of the same issues. After a nine month relationship where I’ve fell madly in love with this girl, something snapped and I suddenly don’t have the same feelings. I know they were there in the beginning but there was a moment where I realized I don’t love her in that deep, passionate, romantic way anymore.
I still care for her a lot and we do have a lot of fun together but I know and feel there’s piece missing. I’ve sadly hurt her a lot over the last couple of months and almost haven’t really realized it or reflected on it until now. I feel like a complete asshole, but I’ve always remained completely faithful to her and have only tried to push her away emotionally.
I hung out with her earlier this week with the intention of ending it with her but after a long talk and many tears, she convinced me to have a friendly relationship with her or maybe even more. I still consider her an amazing person and friend I just know that romantic love is faltering a bit.
I just don’t know if I should just cut her off completely or remain friends and help her figure out some of her deep rooted emotional problems. We decided to give it a try and if it’s too painful we won’t hang out or just go completely NC so she can figure herself out.
Do you guys think I’m being unreasonable with keeping a friendly relationship open with this girl? Am I just being cruel now? Would it be better if I just leave her alone? Maybe I’m just afraid of completely losing her and feeling lonely myself. Let me know what you all think.
Even though I am a female. I found this helpful in my break up.
Great piece of work is what i can confer on this article.I personally went through a phase where i still loved the girl for two years after she broke up with me. it was tough.. the worst thing is that she used to be in my every class in grad school and was barely a few feet of me at any point of time. My mind used to go crazy thinking about her for ever minute for those 2 years.But soon as college ended i threw out my cell with her contact promising never to call her again.she did call me up nearly after 6 months of college ending to meet up “Casually”.. but i knew what was in store for me.. so i politely refused her and i think at that point was the best decision i have ever made.
the above rules implied by your article though should be followed is ver hard to follow,one must never give up.
Success comes to those who strive for it..
All the best
Kevin M
too bad to hear of that. but any use to stay friends? if like that, there will be a team of xxxx when on the wedding. these kind of friends should not be invited, shoudnot be kept anymore. so donot bother yourself to keep this kind of friends, just start a new life and seek new someone.
berry_china@126.com
This is a great article. Even though I am a female I can totally relate to this.
My boyfriend of 18months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He said he had ‘fell out of love’ with me. Which was literally like taking a bullet to my chest.
He said he thought I was ‘amazing’ and never wanted to ‘lose me from his life’ Thus the dreaded words ‘ I really want us to be friends’.
SO after 2 weeks of no contact (agony) he contacted me to meet up.I thought I was in an OK position to do this and convinced myself we could be friends. WRONG.
Had such a great night with him, we laughed, talked about old times, flirted a little then hugged goodbye at the end of the night with him telling me he missed me.
If anything that meeting sent me 10 steps back. He doesnt want me as his girlfriend. He can do the ‘friends’ thing because he has mentally moved on. I havent. From now on, no contact rule is in place. I haev even drafted an email to send him when he contacts me next.
Its the shits it really is. But ive learnt from my mistake after seeing him. It tore my heart out my chest even more. NC is the way forward.
Wow to actually read and understand everyones situation makes me feel im not alone.
I broke up with my ex a month ago there was an age difference of 9 years me being the older, the funny thing was she persued me and i ended up losing friends due to this relationship (her sister and BF) we hit it off straight away a lot of flirting texting facebook when we talked we would talk for hours, eventually we met together and ever since we were so happy, we never had a fight we did everything together, she was so beautiful and was probably the only girfriend who understood me.
We had been going out for 6 months and had no issues to speak of all she wanted was me, ive dated girls with a lot of issues or been burned so bad that they had trust issues but not her she would tell me she missed me and wanted me it felt fucking amazing to here that.
Then one day i caught her talking to her ex about how much they were in love and wanted to be together, i know it was only 6 months but she gave no indication she was unhappy or wanted someone else. when I talked to her about it she got upset and i got angry the next day i was going to forgive as long as she was done talking to him like that then i found out she was completely slagging me off to her sister about me, i broke it off. i was devastated heart broken and felt completely fucking angry and empty, i think i was in shock as i never saw this side of her.
just over a week had passed and i contacted her we talked and sorted out what had happened, i wasnt angry we laughed and talked like we used to, she then layed out the i dont know what i want line, i later found out as soon as we broke up she went straight to her ex and have been together ever since. she lied and said she wasnt with anyone, she hasnt told anyone she was talking to me.
i wouldnt hear from her for days she told me to call her anytime but it was futile i was still in so much pain, id lost weight, not sleeping, crying and just feeling like plain shit. eventually i manned up and decided to get the last of my things from here place and say goodbye once and for all. when i got to her house she sat in the car with me i was going to say no contact when the battery on my car died (literally 5 minutes). i had to wait 2 hours for help and my whole plan went up in flames, by the end we decided to be friends.
it took a few more days but i finally realised i cant be friends it was to painful, when we talked it was awesome i would feel like a million bucks but when i couldnt talk to her i went back down, depressed, not eating and no sleep. so i sent her a message telling her i either have all of you or none of you, she hasnt replied but i get the feeling she wants to talk , but im going to remain strong.
This thread has helped me a lot now and made me stronger and ive realised that she to me is a drug that i have to kick shes very intoxicating and addctive.
in the end i have to just be strong and work hard keep myself busy and get on with my life, if she contacts me i will tell her but if she wants to get back i honestly dont know what i will say or do, maybe start from scratch again, i know shes using him to block her emotions about us, i just hope she is doing well maybe down the track we will talk but the worst thing for me is for her to be my friend, she is my Krptonite
Good article, right now I’m trying to get over this girl who I’ve been off and on for the past year.problem is that she used to be my best friend prior to dating her. We ended up things badly, I got clingy and acted like a jerk and she got fed up with hit and stopped talking to me, she even changed her number. It sucks, cuz I feel I could have ended this nicely, she gone her way and me the other way but at least amicably. I just didn’t want to loose my best friend and couldn’t deal with giving her the space to let her move on. My advice, don’t fall in love with your best friend, cuz when it ends it feels like there is no where you can turn to.
After having my heart ripped out of my chest exactly two weeks ago by a man I never thought capable of treating me like I was worth nothing, he asked to still be friends. I could not do it. I lost a friend, and a lover and it does seem like the world has come to an end. On one side, I want to still know how his life goes on, what he’s doing, who he’s with. But that is impossible. I cannot see him as anything but the jerk who used my feelings and then stepped all over it. I wrote a blog post, much similar to yours.
And to all the people here, guys and girls, who feel the same way as I do, take a look here
http://raluca.yolasite.com/usa/can-you-be-friends-with-an-ex-
and here (pretty much the same post but with comments added)
http://www.squidoo.com/friends-with-ex
and let me know if I am the only one who thinks this way…
*GREAT post, Jamie, by the way
We were together for 2.5 years. We broke up a month ago, she dumped me. I was out on Friday in a pub, when she called me. I said, what’s wrong? She didn’t want to say. So yesterday i went there, hoping to score, we watched movies, she said i can stay the night. But when all the movies ended, she went to sleep. I asked if i could cuddle, she denied it. She was in our old bed all alone and i was on the sofa. I mean FUCK! If i would’ve gone there a day earlier, i would’ve gotten laid. She told me she was a bit drunk the day before. Before her call i had been at peace for a few weeks and now she fucked it up by calling me and inviting me to her place. Now i’m masturbating to her pics again, which i hadn’t done for weeks before she called. We talked about this whole shit with her, when i was there. I said we should have sex at least, she said she wants to be friends and not have sex with a total stranger. I mean WTF? I was your best friend for 2.5 years! Friends? I said no fucking way, i still love you, i’m still blinded, i see you as a super hot chick, and i know you’re really not. I even told her, that my friends are not her type. I have computer geeks for friends and she doesn’t know shit about computers. I know i have to break this off completely, but i can’t delete her from my phone or facebook, it’s fucking hard to not be able to contact her someway.
Thank you, I was really close to a girl, and we broke up about 6 months ago because of our different views on christianity (I’m an athiest). And we were best friends for the last 5 months, but I think it hurt both of us, and it went downhill. She’s unsure as to whether she even wants to know me anymore, and I’ve been really hurt and emotional for the last two weeks or so. But to be honest, after reading this article and thinking about it for a while. I feel so much better, I’m going to put the “no-contact” rule into practice, and just get on with my life. It was hard for me to let go before and I was quite suicidal, but I now know what I need to do. Maybe we will be friends again in a long time. But I’m not going to focus on any of that at all. Need to find other sources of support and satisfaction, and I’ll ok :) I actually thought I was alone in this, but there are many who have had to go through very similar things.
Good luck to all of you people out there who are hurting, and be strong, find others to support and be close to ;)
Okay so now I know that not only girls think this way!!
Which makes me feel a lot better :)
So my story.. I was with this guy for three years on and off.. He had not once broke up with me, but I was young and stupid and broke up with him all the time ( I’ll explain why soon ) He was 19 and I was 16 when I first met him.
The relationship started off with us chilling every single day,, no days apart.. Then by the time I know it.. I’m living at his house with his mom, dad, brother, and sister. I absolutely loved his whole family.. We all got along very well.. His mom, sister, and I would always go out and have girls nights.. My ex worked all the time, so I was eating dinner with his family all the time when I was not working..
This guy and I did absolutely everything.. We talked about everything.. I know his whole life,, he knows mine. I broke up with him like 15 small times and 1 big time.. 15 small times was me just being young and angry and only lasted an hour or two. The one big time was 8 months ( we had a restraining order, from me being drunk) anyways.. The reason why I always broke up with him was because I literlly was not aloud to do ANYTHINGGG! I couldn’t even talk to my girlfriends without him being angry… My facebook was deleted, e-mail.. no lulu lemon pants, hair curly, clevege tops, tights, guy friends, girl friends.. like it was bad.. I kept going back because I loved him so much.. He always thought I would cheat on him but now we have been broken up for 15 months and I have had sex twice.. So come the fuck on buddy.. Anywaysss.. He started dating a girl in July.. (facebook creeped hahaha)I ran into him in the beginning of September 2nd time in 15 months and he was drunk it was at the end of the night of a club.. He told me he loved me then he said I meann like you so much more then his girlfriend now.. He kissed me, and gave me a hickey.. I said to him.. I have wrote you like 30 times since we broke up and you haven’t wrote me once,… what am I sappose to do,, He said please dont stop coming around,, ( I have gone and seen him at his work twice, had a smoke and talked he wouldnt look me in the eye tho) && he hugged me the second time when my friend wasnt there. I dont know what to do!!… the following wednesday after the friday I called his work.. Since he wont give me his number.. and I said maybe one day we could… him: nahhh me: okay bye. Havennt seen or heard from him since.. I’m getting tired of this., urggg..
I feel like his friends and family are holding him back from me.. I love this guy with my life,, but I need a life and CANNOT be contolledd. WHAT TO DO>> pleasee.
oh oh and when I went to his work that was in july twice.. & saw him twice at a club in 15 months.. The club was the last time I seen the bumhead lol
My girlfriend for 2 and a half years finished me about 2 weeks ago, were both 20.
we used to do everything toghether, shes a lovely girl, completly innocent i was her 1st and everthing was going great for 2 years.
Then she started hanging round with her ‘best friend’ who she hadnt spoke to for afew months and started going out on the town with her alot, stupidly i argued and said shes going out to much (
My girlfriend and I dated for a while in high school, and over the summer before our senior year she comes back from a cruise and tells me she didn’t miss me during her vacation. Pretty devastating at the time, so I said let’s take a break for a bit.
During the break we were on, it came to my attention just this past month, but she met one of my friends from school and went on a date with him, hooked up with him at a party, then a few days later came crying back to me. Total break time = 6 days. Again, I just found out last month. At this point we dated for almost 2 years.
In March of 2011, I noticed she started becoming really close friends with my good friend. They had a class or two together, and I would invite him to come with me to her competitions. They were extremely flirty for being my girlfriend and best friend at the time, and it really threw me off but I didn’t think anything of it.
We went to a conference for student government later in the month, and there she completely ignored me. Gave me short, blunt responses, wouldn’t talk to me. At all. Then there was a dance at the end of the conference and she looked at me like she wanted to dance. I walked out to my advisor, sat down, asked what he does when he gets angry with his wife, and realized I should go back. Well we danced for the remainder of the time, and then she went off and ignored me again. Didn’t sit by me afterwards, no talking. Ignored.
As we were walking out I noticed she was talking with this guy she met at the conference and he kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. I walked away because I couldn’t bear it, changed at our room, and walked over to see what the hell was going on this weekend. She said she had no clue, didn’t know how she felt, I said let’s talk again tomorrow. I left, and found out the next morning that the guy she became friends with decided to visit in the middle of the night.
Needless to say, I wasn’t going to force a conversation the next morning. We didn’t talk at all until finally later at night I went over to her house and we really needed to talk. At that point, I was hurt. I had been ignored, no idea what the hell happened with this guy in her room, and she had made no effort to talk to me about it. I said let’s take a break.
Sure, we took a break during spring break and after we came back everything was going great. We flirted, talked a lot more, etc… Then she gets asked to prom at another school, and fails to tell me. I found out after EVERYONE AT SCHOOL KNEW. And my dumb ass still loved her and wanted to make it work. Throughout the rest of senior year, she repeatedly told me that she wanted to get back together after this kid’s prom because she would feel awkward dancing with another person.
Well I went with it, expecting to get back together, and two days before prom I show up at her driveway going over to give her mother flowers and this dick of a kid was there. Did I mention we had sex three times during this period? Oh, and she got pissed at me for throwing a condom away. What the eff am I supposed to do with it, eat it?!
I was giving her mother flowers because I felt I had stressed her out during this time. And the sight of him there made me think a big WTF? If we were still kissing, holding hands, and sleeping together, what’s going on here? She said that we weren’t together, we haven’t been, and I shook the kid’s hand and turned and left.
We went to prom still. I have NFC why. Because three days after prom she tells me she wants to get back together again. And then a week later she says no, just kidding. All the while my best friend and her were flirting with each other, hanging out together, and neither one was telling me and didn’t consider my feelings.
Summer goes by and she acts like we’re best friends again. So I give her a going away gift, she melts, kisses me, we make out, and everything is back to normal again. The day before she leaves she says I need a trial period in college before she tries anything. And who should be at her house the day she leaves but no other than Prom Kid number 1. Not the person she dated for almost three years, and was best friends with for the same number of years. Nope.
She still texts me and now my best friend is friends with her mom on Facebook, they continually flirt with each other, and she says she wants to get back together with me when I become fun again.
WELL I’M FUCKING SORRY I’VE BEEN ON DEPRESSION DRUGS AND ADHD PILLS SINCE EARLY JANUARY. OF COURSE I HAVEN’T BEEN FUN LATELY.
And my heart still goes out for her. What the hell should I do?
The article was one of the most inspiring and very informative.
It helped me realize how wrong i was in dealing with the break up and ilearned alot about myself. Thank You God Bless
i was with a girl for 4 years. in that time we were on and off. but when we were off it was always my doing. she never broke up with me once. one morning i was siting on my bed and she looked at me and just knew wat i was thinking. she packed up her stuff and left. this time she broke up with me. things suck. i cant seem to stop texting her and calling her. and i honestly want to b with this girl, but most of all b happy with her. i feel like she would make the perfect mother and we talked about a future together all the time. she wants to stay friends and she wont get back with me. and ive been trying everything to get her back. its a month and 18 days later. everyone tells me to just leave her alone and focus on myself. and if she really is the one…after u have done the no contact thing. she will start teting u and calling u. who knows. i just want to get her back before shes fucking someone else. that would kill me and if i did find out she was with someone i would start to hate her.
By the time things have cooled down, and I am no longer heartbroken or suffering from depression–in other words, once I’ve gotten over someone and feel indifferent–then it doesn’t matter anymore whether there is a friendship or not. I worry about a possible future friendship only during the initial shock and grieving phase, when it’s unbearable to think of the person as really gone. It is a comfort to know that I could, if I chose, reach out to them if I really wanted to, while realizing of course that no contact is best. Most people aren’t sincere when they say something like, “I’d hate to lose you as a friend.” They must get that phrase from TV. After my most recent foray into the dangerous romance arena, i was told “I still wanna be your friend” etc but it WAS sincere in this case, because from the start, the relationship was more about friendship than anything else. I still said no, and now that I’m over it I don’t really care enough to worry about any future as friends.
my gf dumped me when she went to college but asked if we could still be friends. i said FUCK no. “friends to lovers forever, lover to friends, never.”
HI HOW U DOING IDK WHAT TO DO BECAUSE SHES THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME WELL WE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR AND SEVEN MONTHS EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND SUNDAY SHE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK AND I WAS LIKE WHY SHE WAS LIKE I WAS TO PERFECT AND SHE WAS BITTER AND IT WASNT FAIR ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPEN IN THE PAST WITH USE LIKE ITS FAIR TO BREAK MY HEART AND I GUESS IT WAS MY FAULT AND SHE NOT HAPPY WITH ME SO IDK I TRYED TO DELETE HER BUT I CANT I JUST CANT AND SHE HIT ME WITH THE FRIEND LINE IAM LIKE WTF I FELT LIKE MY WORLD ENDED SERIOUSLY STILL FILLJUST THAT WAY AND I STILL TXT HER TO GET A UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HAPPEN BUT I MEAN SHE STILL LOVES ME AND EVERYTHING I JUST DONT THINK I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH THE WOMEN WHO BROKE MY HEART I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY NOOOOOO I WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH HER AGAIN I JUST DONT KNOW HOW I CAN SHES HAS NEVER CHEATED AND SHES REALLY JUST INTO ME AND I WANT HER BK I DO BUT EITHER SHE CAN BE WITH ME OR BE WITHOUT ME HOW CAN I TELL HER THIS WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A DICK IDK WHAT TO DO SOME ONE HELP ME :/
ok there are a lot of comments on this site so i don’t think anyone will get round to reading my few lines, i just tried reading the first ten thousand pages of self pity from all these wonderful people treated like crap by all those evil dumpers. i see now that the world is made up of good people and bad people. but hang on, if thats the case why do all the good people fall in love with all those bad people who don’t love them. there is at thins given time perhaps a billion relationship going on around the world and most of them will come to an end unless you live in one of those countries with pre-arranged marrieges of course and we all know how happy they must be.put it this way, would you expect to meet a girl when you 8 years old and expect to live the rest of your life with her,even the idea of everyong in the world only ever having one relationship is silly. so how about this, maybe all those bad dumpers are maybe not that bad after all, maybe its the dumped that have the problems, these being its easier to feel sorry for yourself then it is to move on and go look for the right person for you, because if you think your ex is, they sure as hell don’t, so why waste another minuet of your time on someone who don’t feel crap about you and go find that special someone who is waiting in that place called life
I’m currently going out with an old ex of mine (4 years ago) we decided to give it another shot but honestly only after 2 months of being back together im starting to think she’s thinking of ending it. this girl scares very easily but problem is she is such a nice girl and is afraid of falling inlove or getting close to anyone. sure ive always loved her, for ohh for as long as i can remember. im ready to settle down and have kids and everything. i just dont want to waste my time in dead end relationships anymore. maybe things will work out but honestly i know i should follow my senses and yes its over already i just gotta suck it up and face the tunes. sucks ass but i cant carry on like this.
Great article. Just broke up with my gf after only dating 3 months. Although, this break-up really wasn’t that bad, your advice was still very helpful. I wish that I had gotten this advice about past relationships; would’ve saved some heartache and pain.
The girl of my dreams broke up with me ,and broke my heart this past Friday(1/6/12). We’d been together 13 months.
I’d been in long (6 year, 2 year,etc) and short (6 mos, afew dates, etc) relationships before and never once fell for someone the way I did the very first time I laid eyes on Tiffany. I mean the very first time. I always thought love at first sight was a lame cliche but honestly, it exists.
I was there through her mother passing away and her father surviving a massive heart attack and quintuple bypass. I was always madly in love with her and doing/giving her anything I could or desired. However thoughout the relationship she would casually mention how I need “time for myself” and I realized after our breakup I did lose myself. I slowly got comfortable and started being less and less clean (allowed my apartment to get so bad she wouldn’t come over) and I went from training for a professional muay thai fight to almost no exercise. I could tell she still cares about me and isn’t so superficial as to hate my physique. Her reasoning is that she says she doesn’t love me anymore, “not like that anyway” and she said that she cant care for someone who doesn’t care about themselves.
She initiated NC the first day, and I’ve broken it twice, before I read the helpful things I’d seen online. Both times she seemed happy to see me, sad, and admitted to being lonely at times. However, each instance was followed with a harsh email re-iterating the no contact rule. She’s also sent all of my items from her house to me through a mutual friend, obvioulsy trying to drive home the fact we’re broken up. I’ve decided to just go with it, it’s probably what she needs and I’m trying to get my life back
on track.
She’s always been a very strong and independent person, healthy, fit, and standing on her own. She’s been skiddish from the start but I attribute much of that to her mother dying and her father nearly doing so.
From what I’ve seen and what weve been through,(she even cried when breaking up w/ me) is that she still has some deep caring for me left in there and I feel like its not too late to get her back, however I’ve made a few of the top 10 DONT DO mistakes after a breakup, but I’m trying to resolve that.
What I’m wondering is, if any ladies or very in-tune men out there could answer just two quesitons for me:
1) Why does she feel she needs this space? What is she doing in this time of no contact that is helping her? How will her time away make her realize she does (or doesn’t) miss/love me? Why does it take her so long? I feel like not knowing is the hardest part about letting the no contact happen
and 2) What do women look for to recognize that a man “takes care of himself” ? Obviously appearance, healthy lifestyle like eating and exercise come to mind, but I feel like every woman I’ve talked to has a hard time explaining exactly what it means… so if anyone out there could elucidate this..id appreciate it.
Heartbreaks are so hard, especially when you’re on the receiving end, but all you can do is pick up your pieces and move forward. Reading this forum has really helped me find a little solice in such a dark time. Hope to get some replies.
Thanks,
Will
I’m going through a tough ball right now, I’ve been reading a lot about brake ups. We are rational women are not, they are emotional. We can’t fight them back using logic. We gotta fight them back with emotion as well. After the brake up, they want to be friends, ignore you, play games, push and pull drama and other stupid and nonce sense techniques just to boost their ego, so you know what fellas, let her know you are ok thought about it and you have realized this is the best, it was nice to meeting you but I can’t continue being your friend, lover, or whatever your connection is… most likely you get something back, IGNORE IT, if you don’t get nothing back BE HAPPY CAUSE YOUR MESSAGE GOT ACROSS AND SHE IS EXPECTING ANOTHER TEXT FROM YOU TRYING TO MAYBE PERSUADE HER ABOUT CHANGING HER MIND. Whatever the situation is after you send that last text, be committed, and spend full time on yourself to make improvements in every single way, do what you have to do to move on and let time do its work and you’ll see. YOU’LL BE THE ONE WITH THE MAGIC STICK ON YOUR HANDS.
First of all, I’m very glad there are articles like this one in the web and people who are willing to vent here. It’s made me feel a lot better because I know I’m not alone. Also thank you if you’re taking the time to read this… And believe it or not, I read all the posts here!
My now exboyfriend and I broke up two and a half months ago. We dated for almost 4 months, I know it wasn’t for too long but I really fell for him. Right when I talked to him for the first time, I felt the connection and he says same thing happened to him.
I was just a little skeptical, also because of the age gap, (I’m 21, he’s 28) but the relationship was great, just a little complicated sometimes, this guy is an Iraq vet and suffers from PTSD so it was difficult due his mood swings; there were times when he would shut down emotionally, just try to imagine how painful it was when he started pushing me and other people away. He never insulted me, but he did say some hurtful things a couple of times when he was like that. Just to make it worse, my best friend (who is a guy) made everything more complicated, he was jealous of my boyfriend and was always attacking him. I always got along really well with this guy, we never fought but during that time we started fighting on a daily basis. I was SICK of it because I was getting scolded every single day, he wasn’t being supportive at all.
After a while my relationship with my boyfriend became long distance, he said that he loved me and wanted to try anyway. Obviously everything got even more complicated, it was very difficult. Since he’s in the army, there are times when he doesn’t have time to call at all, sometimes he has 24 hours shifts, so we were mostly smothering each other with texts. We were craving each other really badly, he started being needy and clingy, then it was me, then it was him again and so on. My friend was still making my life a living hell, I had issues at home, my parents were fighting a lot, I was having exams… and I was just going INSANE, I was extremely stressed.
In the last weeks, before we broke up, my boyfriend started struggling really badly with his PTSD… I mean he’s struggled with this for a while now, every single day, but it seems like there are times when it gets worse than others. It was killing me knowing he was having a very bad time with this, but I tried to be supportive, I gave him time and space and tried to hide the damn pain but he noticed it was affecting me too much, he also knew about this issue with my friend, my parents and college.
And well one night I was just so angry… because I had so many things to do and I had my friend calling me like crazy only to fight me… seriously I was so mad… Then my boyfriend called me and he was just very quiet, he said he didn’t know what to say, but he did tell me a couple of times that he loved me. I was in a bad mood so I started to push, his behavior was making me upset even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. I broke up with him over the phone, I didn’t even let him talk, hung up, and went to bed.
The next day in the morning I checked my Facebook and I had a message from him. He was apologizing for everything, he said that he’d always regret pushing me away, that he understood my desicion because he knew I was hurting and that I didn’t have to carry with his burdens anyway, that I deserved better, a normal man, not a broken one. Then he said that he’d always loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me completely so we’ve been trying to be friends…
The first week I sent him a text saying ‘hey, how are you doing?’ but he ignored me completely. One of my friends talked to him and he asked him why he was being like that with me, he just said that I was very important to him and didn’t want to keep hurting me. The next week he called and I asked why he was avoiding me, then he said it was because it was still very difficult for him, that he needed to adjust to the fact that we were just friends now, then he went quiet for a while and started crying and said ‘this is why I didn’t want to talk to you’.
We texted a couple of times after that. We texted all night during Christmas, and for New Years I didn’t hear from him. I was so upset, I knew I couldn’t be friends with him so I closed my Facebook and decided I wouldn’t respond to his texts or calls, but he never tried to call anyway.
So after a month I felt like maybe I could try to be his friend again, I wasn’t hurting that bad anymore. I was WRONG. I re-opened my Facebook and had a message from him saying “Hey, hope you had happy holidays” and I just said “I did, thanks!” then he asked me what happened and I just made some stuff up there. I said I was still stressed, so many problems here and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. This was on friday… then he had saturday and sunday off, so he texted me the whole weekend non-stop, seriously. On sunday he woke me up at 8am because he started texting again, I was like are you serious? He kept saying that he missed me and that he still loved me and called me “sweetie”, I just tried to not get carried away, so I just said “yeah I missed talking to you too” but that was it. At some point and for some reason I started to feel annoyed, so I tried to gently cut him off but it took me hours and he stopped until he had to go to bed. After this he didn’t text me for like 3 – 4 days and I got all sensitive and sent him a message saying “I hope you have a nice day today” and he replied right away thanking me and telling me what he was doing even though I did not ask.
And it’s been like that in the last weeks. There are days when he tries to get my attention and keeps texting until I say something, he’s like “Hey… hope we can chat again soon” and I can hardly ignore him… I just try to not respond right away but I always end up talking to him, and when I don’t hear from him I start texting him, although not in the way he does! I try to stay calm even if I’m missing him too much.
He’s told me that he has a lot of respect for me, for what I do and just the way I am, and apparently I am the only girl who hasn’t treated him like crap and hasn’t cheated on him so he says that he doesn’t think he’ll ever lose the feelings he has for me and that he’ll always care.
Believe me that after that silly break up I did try to get him back because he’s a good man and I’m very much in love with him, but he made a desicion too; he didn’t want me to suffer because of his PTSD, he didn’t want to share the burden with me, he didn’t want distance to ruin what we have, he said he rather having me as a friend and being in good terms than making me go through a lot of pain needlessly only to make me resent him in the future.
So I really don’t hold grudges here and I just want him to be okay but this is killing me. I don’t feel uncomfortable talking to him but every time I do, I just wanna tell him how much I love him, although of course, I always end up keeping it to myself to not make things harder on me and him. We haven’t talked for like a week and we’ve been just commenting on each other’s silly posts on Facebook. Yesterday he sent me a msg very early in the morning only to tell me how cold it was where he is right now, I haven’t responded. I really don’t know what to do, sometimes I want to think that I can keep things going this way, talking every once in a while and everything, then I consider the possibility of him dating someone else, I would know! and it would kill me, but according to him he’s not interested in dating anyone else anymore, I guess he’s given up due his PTSD; for people who know about this disorder, you should know it’s really hard to keep a relationship like this and I know about several people who have decided to just remain single, because they just keep failing in their relationships, marriages… after all this I started to read more about the disorder and found several groups with girlfriends and spouses being in the same situation.
I know this is too long already but I haven’t had the chance to tell someone about EVERYTHING. Of course I share what I feel with some close friends but I don’t wanna put everything on them, I know it can be overwhelming and even annoying. It just hurts very much because, first of all, I can’t stand it when I see he’s having a hard time coping with this, there were times when he would even cry. I’ve been trying to find out how he’s handling this, so far I just know he’s been very moody with the people at work, he’s told me that he’s always feeling angry towards them, I’m guessing it’s because of that but he won’t share anything else. When I try to bring it up he’s like ‘it’s not a big deal, don’t worry, I’ve been doing much better’, yeah right.
Anyways, I really don’t think I have the courage to just cut ties with him. Maybe if I had a different reason like he was an asshole to me, then I would definitely block him on Facebook and stuff but he’s very nice to me and he’s always making sure I’m doing okay and I end up doing the same! Although it is kind of frustrating going back and forth and seeing him going back and forth with me too.
Sorry if this is annoying but I really had to vent! If you took the time to read then good, and thank you! I really appreciate it. I leave my e-mail there in case somebody wants to talk. I know I said too much here, but just like I talk, I can listen too.
And for all the people who are hurting out there too, it gets better. We just need time and need to be patient… sadly I can hardly be patient when it comes to this.
julietprokofiev@yahoo.com
I am in similar position ex girlfriend walked out 5 months ago after 7 years together we had house for two years, she is now texting asking to meet to discuss the house even though we have an offer and sale agreed (substantial loss). Don’t know what to make of this she started back to uni as a mature student when she walked, and I have done the no contact thing for last 3 months and since she left she has been dating another co worker (I’m aware most likely going on before she walked out). Do I meet her as really no need to discuss anything in relation to the house all contents its clear who owns what. Question is do I meet her as I feel its only this last month that I have started to move on proper and have my life back on track. Probably doesn’t look like it since I’m on here but just these requests to meet have thrown me or I’m reading too much into this?
Was with a girl my ex for 3 months at first things were perfect we were crazy about eachother. Then she decided to work another job at a bar in a not so good neighborhood.. First it was just Sundays then it became Friday nights and some nights during the week where they would randomly ask her to come in. Between this and the school work it really started putting a strain on us as we saw less and less of eachother.. Then finally one night we got in a fight over a miscommunication and things really got bad I ended up breaking up with her. The next morning I woke up and thought about what I had done and drove to her apartment right away we had sex all morning and I thought things were ok then in the following week she started answering my texts less and less I knew something was wrong.. That Thursday she finally texted me and was like I need to talk to you tonight this is the night before we were supposed to leave for vacation to AZ.. That night she broke up with me claiming she didn’t have time for a bf bc of school and everything else and that we had rushed into everything… She went to AZ by herself because we were staying with her friends and she had bought me the ticket so she had to pay $430 for a ticket that would go to waist… Next day she told me she really needed the time in AZ to herself to think about things and she’d have lunch with me when she got back.. So I gave her space didn’t talk to her all week she contacted me when she got back we had lunch and she said she still felt the same way didn’t want a bf at this time. What do you guys think should I leave it alone and try to get her back eventually? The problem with this is we have mutual friends so we will see eachother eventually. Ive only talked to her probably once in the last week just to ask her to go to a wedding with me and ive already started dating.. I just felt like she might of been the one? That is why I don’t know if I’m ready to just let this go.. Thoughts?
Okay, so here’s a monkey wrench in the engine. This was an excellent article. In theory I love everything about it. My ex wanted time focus on herself. She was/is very insecure and the break up was rough, kind of mutual. I’d love to put all of the above into practice, but we an awesome 6 year old son together. So, I can go 24 hrs, one day, two days (wow, I’m doing great) and as soon as I’m feeling good and getting through it…BAM! There’s the text or phone call “how’s our son…” it’s only been about a month and a half and we were together for 9 years. It really sucks because when day 3 rolls around I’m like wait for it, wait for it…ring ring. I don’t want to not tell her how are son is doing, but I mean come on, can daddy get the big piece of chicken and there’s no amount of “tussin” that’ll heal the pain. All thought are much appreciated.