Writing the First Email – How To Meet Women On Online Dating Sites

Note from Alex: Another guest post, this time from a good friend of mine – Sebastyne from Australia. She has a lot of experience when it comes to online dating, so take what she has to say seriously! Sebastyne, the word is all yours.

As Alex is concentrating on offline dating tips, I offered my help in the online dating arena, as that happens to be my specialty.

I joined a dating site the year 2000, met my husband online in 2004. It took me a good 4 years to find the man of my dreams. That is to say online dating is not a quick “place an order and wait for the door bell to ring” service. For a girl, it means a flood of absolutely ridiculous emails, and this is where I come in.

To start with, I want to set straight a common misconception about online dating. It is not JUST for losers. The great thing about online dating is that it gives you a lot more options.

It will bring you people who you would never meet in your normal life. That is one reason why it is a great extension of dating options for people who are quite picky – such as myself. I would have never met my husband “in the real life” even if we lived in the same city, as he would spend time in places I would probably not set a foot in.

Unfortunately, like someone said, to find your prince you have to kiss a lot of frogs. These following type of men never got as far as a hand shake, and I am here to make sure you are (no longer) one of them, and as for the rest of you I hope you get a good laugh:

3 type of men you DO NOT want to be

• The too busy man This man uses an email template that he sends to all girls he finds attractive. He believes in advertising to wide range of potential buyers. The problem he will face is that the girls will instantly know if it is a mass email, and will be put off, his email will get deleted and she makes a mental note that this guy is a moron. Often this man makes the mistake of sending the SAME message many times to the same girl AND her friends as he can’t keep track of all the girls he has emailed. That will not make him look good.
• The man with muscle This guy will tell the girl how he got his muscle mass by listing the sports he plays and then probably attach an image of himself showing his muscles with the head cut off the photo. This is intended to protect the identity of the sender, but really just makes him look very superficial and quite silly. He probably won’t get a reply.
• The man who has balls This man is related to the muscle man, but instead of listing information about his sports, he lists details about the measurements of his private parts. He may add details of his annual income as if to make a point about why it would be wise to sleep with him. The most disturbing thing about this type is that he will attach a photo of his genitals for the mere joy he has them.

Those are the biggest and most common mistakes men make on dating sites. It is fairly easy to stand out from the crowd by putting a little more effort into the email.

To do it right: Read her profile. Every word of it!

Girls are excellent at writing dating profiles. They will give you a lot of information about what she is looking for and why, how she wants it to come along and so forth. Some sites allow linking to a website, if that is the case; check her website for even more information on how to approach her or what she is like. If you think it is cheating to find out what she likes before you email her, it’s really not. It shows that you are interested and most men skip this part, so you will come out ahead.

Instead of introducing yourself, talk about her

A lot of people start an email by telling the reader who they are. That is fine and all, but don’t you find it hard to try to sell yourself to a total stranger? Instead, write about her, why exactly did you find her interesting, and why you wanted to contact her in the first place. That makes her feel like you actually do mean to contact her and not just any girl.

At the same time, as you are writing about her, you will probably find things you have in common, like: “I read in your profile that you like fast cars. I immediately thought I must write to you, as I recently bought a Ferrari.” (Yeah, keep on dreaming, but you get my point.) It might be animals, computers, philosophy or other topic that is common to you, bring that up. If there isn’t anything like that, but you still want to write to her, mention the reason why, but don’t just cop out by saying you really like her boobs, ass or figure in general.

Avoid clichés at all cost. Don’t use words like “sexy” “hot” or “pretty”. It may be a surprise to you, but even “beautiful” should be avoided, as the beautiful girls have heard it so many times it makes no impact anymore. My husband described me “sensual” in his first email in case you are curious. Be as sincere as you can, be happy to compliment her even if she wasn’t interested in you.

Tell her what you want

Be honest in your email. If you want a casual relationship, say so. If you are not sure what you want, tell her that. If you just expect someone to talk to or what ever you may be after, tell her. That will save both of you time and heart ache. Don’t assume that all girls want a serious relationship from the day one, so what ever it is you want might or might not be what she wants. Pretending is never good, as you will appear sleazy and that will not get you far with most girls.

Include your photo – of your face

No matter what you look like, always include a photo of yourself to the email or on your dating profile. It is more important to show of your face than it is to show of any other part of your body or your motor bike, so make sure there is a good photo of your face in there. Do not use drunken party photos. As amusing as they may be to you, the girl will think that is when you are at your best – not a good sign! In addition, avoid too serious business type of photos; unless you are after women who will love you for your money – this is not a job interview.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT include a photo of you surrounded by women or a photo that you cropped an ex-girlfriend out off but still leaving her arm around your neck. Take a photo without any specific theme to it (white background and casual clothing) or doing something you love or with something you love, like your dog. (Girls love guys with dogs, but don’t make the mistake of borrowing one, as it will come up in the conversation!)

You might be apprehensive about adding your photo. I have a few reasons why you should have one up though.

First off, men who don’t have a photo up are normally either:

• Married or in a serious relationship
• Very seriously ugly
• Insecure and secretive
• Computer illiterate or
• Wanted for murder

None of these reasons make you look good, and there is no other good reason not to put your picture up. Even if you weren’t the hunkiest guy on the planet, there will be girls who find you the cutest thing alive, especially the one you are looking for. If there is a valid reason why you can’t put a photo up, online dating is probably not for you.

Are girls different online than offline?

Talking to girls online isn’t much different than it is face to face. There are things you shouldn’t say, and the girls are no more after sex hookups online as they are offline. They are not in any way different online.

The only difference I would bring up is that online girls know what they want; all you have to do is to find out if you are what they want.

Let me just repeat that one important thing: Read the profile. It’s a bit like the manual for the latest Nokia phone, with the difference that you actually do need to read the profile!

Back to Alex: That was a long one! Hope you enjoyed it.

Lets start a discussion in the comments!

Do you have any experience when it comes to online dating? How do you approach women online? And if you’re woman, how do you like to be approached? Is online dating any good?

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Lovely images by Martin, Joeywan and Leslie Vega.